Blog

In 2009, the United States Playing Card Company closed its Cincinnati factory and relocated across the Ohio River to Kentucky. Production problems ensued. Cards would stick together. Some were printed off-center. The trust of the public dwindled. 

For the first and only time known to mankind, the Face Cards from all four suits held an offsite meeting to discuss potential solutions. 

I recently discovered the minutes from that meeting. They are as follows. 

Running errands is no different than running. I prefer to not.

As a child, I could get out of Sunday errands. Because I was essentially useless. I couldn’t drive. I had no money. And I didn’t know what kind of milk to buy. The only thing I could offer was my company, which, depending on the Sunday, could range from indifferent to a liability.

Jan 1: Got winded while folding load of laundry. It was a big load. But still. Mentally, chalked it up to champagne hangover. Physically, failed to justify this new rock bottom.

Jan 3: Received snail mail advertisement from a gym nearby, opening soon.

On December 17 at approximately 10:37 PM, four letters changed my life. B-U-L-Y. David Sedaris wrote them on a slip of paper and passed it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“The answer to your question.”

The thing I love about being in a committed relationship is gossiping with my girlfriend about other couples. Of course, I did this when I was single, too. But talking shit about #CoupleGoals with other single guys was like punching air. Now, it’s like I’m in the ring, actually landing blows to the head. Which makes it all the more satisfying.

I am like you in many ways, reader. We hit the space bar harder than any other key. Freshly washed sheets bring us immense joy. And we are afraid of jelly fish.

But there is one major difference between us.

I have been tracking the relationships between human and squirrel for all of my life. You have not.

Unfortunately, not many people smoke anymore. So few people smoke, in fact, that when asked if one does smoke, there’s a fifty-fifty chance the inquiry is not referring to tobacco. And vaping is the equivalent to drinking your vegetables. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Not a USB port. Thus, this article dismisses vaping all together.

There are two types of people in the United States. People who love Midwesterners. And people who were born elsewhere. I am the former. So much so that I have carefully outlined a SWOT Analysis for my fellow middlemen and middlewomen to consider.

I am the only person who still calls people. I didn’t know this until recently. A friend told me, of course while we were talking on the phone, that I was his only friend who he talks with on the phone.

“That’s weird,” I said. “I talk to all my friends on the phone.”

My first screen name was @Lanny_Fuller_007. Not because @Lanny_Fuller was taken. But because I was obsessed with spies. Still am. I’ll watch anything with “double-oh” in the title, and I’m a sucker for any movie that includes a scene of suits failing to trace a call.

I’ve always wanted to be a spy.

Snail mail excites me. In the era of emojis and DMs, I get a kick out of the whole postal process. So when a letter came from the Louis D. Brandeis Hall of Justice, I had the same happy tickle in my stomach I get before opening anything.

"Congratulations," the note began. "You've been selected to serve..."

I didn't need to read the rest. Fucking Jury Duty.

Put your hand out in front of you.

Look at it.

Focus on it.

Focus on it really hard.

Saturday afternoon was The Baby Party. I’ve been getting laughed at for calling it “The Baby Party.”

“How’s it going?”
“Not bad.”

“How was it?”
“Not bad.”

“How’s work?”
“Not bad.”

It's a question I'm asked at least three times a week. Now, I live in a southern state, and I'm aggressively Midwestern, so my calculations may be high. But I suspect most people, even those who live where their from, can relate.

"My father passed away," the Employee said. "I need some time off."

"Damn it," the Employer said. His head dropped and body melted into the chair. Like a bullet had just ripped through his sturdy posture. 

"Monogamy is such a silly thing," she said. "It's one of the few things in life society accepts as completely rational when in reality, it's completely ludicrous."

"Tell me your best poop story," she said.